"And this hope will not lead to disappointment. For we know how dearly God loves us, because he has given us the Holy Spirit to fill our hearts with his love."

One of my most haunting questions, is this going somewhere? Is all this really moving me to somewhere more beautiful than here? Or is my life to be a string of small, silent disappointments, slowly wearing away at the brightness of hope and light and life in my soul...

This hope will not lead to disappointment. This hope will not lead to disappointment. This hope will not lead to disappointment. Over and over and over again til I believe it, you could not say this enough to my hungry heart... For me, disappointment is worse than death. For haven't I found sweet and tender moments by graveside? But disappointment... I can find no sweetness there beneath the bitterness of it.


My heart mirrors the heart of Paul that cried, if this isn't real, we are to be pitied above all - for there is so much hope in this. So much hope in Christ - so much hope in this love that says I will never be disappointed in you... so much reality of the things I let lie hidden in all my unspoken longings - in this, they all come to precious, beautiful, breathing life... and if Jesus not meet me on the other side, my brothers and sisters and I face a far greater pain than death.

But a still small voice in my soul says rest assured of what you have not seen. The things you cannot yet touch, the eyes you have yet to gaze upon, the hands you have yet to hold... rest assured that this hope will not be taken from you. And know that when all else rejects or denies who you are, when longings lie vulnerably unfulfilled, you are dearly loved... you are dearly loved. This hope will lead you home. Straight into My arms, where you will never have to fight the doubts and lies again.

Blessed am I, hoping and longing and beautifully mourning for a hope I have not seen. For greater is my joy to come... greater is my joy to come... and in that day, there will be no accuser left to steal it away...

I will let hope lead me through this pain, through this longing... I will lift my eyes...

"then you will look and be radiant, your heart will throb and swell with joy..."

Lay me down upon this earth
Lay me in shadows fair
Drape me o’er this humble birth
From man to lady share
This dust, this deep
O, allow my heart to steep

This consecrated clay

Where once created now renewed
So resigns my soul to this pursuit. . .

Lay me down upon this earth
Lay me in shadows fair
And form from dust some frame of worth
And blessed breath do share

Amid the stars and gardens grow
My soul, oh, my soul
Lain ‘neath the stars this garden grows
My soul, oh my soul

this ones from the archives :)

she shimmers at the glimmer

of her bridegroom in her sight
and rejoices with the voices
as He has purified His bride
wooing her, undoing her
with an unrelenting love
He has spoken o'er the broken
what can never be enough
importance was distorted
lessons learned from only He
who melts her with His shelter
from this unforgiving sea
she's unaware but prepared
for this one exquisite moment
her lamp lit and pale dress fit
to outline what her soul meant

by the shimmer with the glimmer
and the joy at His voice,
the white by soft lamplight--

her Bridegroom has arrived!

boy, I don't know why you run,
to make me believe you're standing still
while the courage of a thousand burning suns
sits weakened beneath your bill
I cannot pay.
I cannot pay for your shame.

and I cannot wait.

beauty isn't the only thing you see
and it can't be the only thing you need
but it will humble your bones
break at the knees,
and you will open up your bleeding eyes to see
what this really leads to.

man, take up your crown and run,
steady now, and certain with a wild, relentless will
you've been fashioned for this fight, this song
destined to reign and right these wrongs
and our hearts are waiting still
are waiting still for the sons of Men...

but I cannot stay.
fighting these tears as I pray.

beauty isn't the only thing you see
and it can't be the only thing you need
but it will humble your bones
break at the knees,
and you will open up your bleeding eyes to see
Who is really leading you...

you cannot wait.
and you cannot stay
fighting these fears, as the rest of us silently pray.

you are strong enough.
and you are good.

rise up.
take the courage of a thousand suns
burning in your chest
set ablaze your brothers and your sins

and, son of Man, we'll see this to the end...

a consecration that unveils destiny

a child within an ancient skin, with a smile to pierce the most hardened heart. eyes aflame with delight and desire. she dances free before the fire and there are no shadows here. consecration. consecration. nothing she owns, and nothing she lacks. her life lost to the furnace and crucifix. her name is consecration. her heart is clear as glass as she clasps hands with neglected destiny, and raises her up from the dust and rubble... together they run wild and beautiful and free...

two things keep revolving in my heart this month - consecration and destiny. I kept them separate in my head, as I considered each. I've an obsession with the Holy recently, considering the purity of the justice of God, left me wanting to understand more and more of His holiness. how far we are fallen, how far we are from realizing what is truly good and right and just. He is the only just judge. and His judgments are without fault, pure in motive and surrounded by His generous, abundant mercy. outside of His heart I cannot call anything "good" or "right" because I don't know the heart of the man behind it. the motives, the spirit, are only seen and perceived and understood rightly by God. in desperation to understand His holiness, to even seek His face in this question, I know it requires the consecration of my life. to look at my life through His eyes, and see what is detrimental to my walk, however small, however slight, even to the examination of the merely unnecessary things. to consecrate my heart, to say with my life, "just one thing is needed" - that I might have the honor of sitting at my Savior's feet, and seeing His face clearly. not a life of legalism, because we know the letter kills, but a life in the Spirit, the abundant life of focused freedom. because we aren't confused by the many voices vying for our attention, because we've focused our life and our hearts and our ears to hear but One Voice. because we do not dilute our souls with the world, because we would rather be empty and waiting for the pure love of God to come and fill us, than to look elsewhere for anything less. and He told me, you know, I have so much more love, so much better joy, if you could only receive it. I have so much more. I'm going to drown you in My love, and you will want for nothing else... not a life of "do's and don'ts", but a life that says, nothing else satisfies! nothing less satisfies! a life that recognizes the adventure of His heart and kingdom, and wants for nothing outside of His love. then, I thought about destiny. mainly how I feel like my destiny is intertwined with my friend's destiny, and just how cool I think that is :) trying to imagine what the Lord has up His sleeve for us :) I think about destiny the same ways I think about prophecy - that it's something to be realized, and once realized, it's something to be fought for. and the Lord just showed me how to fight for my destiny, my calling, is consecration. my life isn't strong enough to hold all the abundance the Lord longs to pour into it until it is consecrated. I noticed that as I took up this call to consecration, I not only saw Him more clearly - I saw my destiny more clearly. I saw promises long forgotten or lain aside rise up in my heart again and doors open in my life for the fulfillment of these promises. our destinies are wrapped up in Christ! and if we can't see Him for who He is through all the pollution and the confusion of compromise, we don't know who we are. but, in choosing a life near His altar, a life that does not hesitate to sacrifice possession and pride and comfort, in choosing to keep our hearts warm near His purifying fire... then all the extras melt away, and we reflect His likeness and we know our purpose. this is a call to consecration. because we have destinies that are being neglected. this nation has a destiny. this state has a destiny. this city has a destiny. you have a destiny. and I so want to see those destinies lived out and not wasted because I was too lazy or too complacent or too compromising in my convictions to reach for my destiny in Christ. it's work. it's not easy. but He's worthy. He's worthy of the sacrifice of our lives. of our time and energies and efforts. He worthy of a consecrated life. and in return He'll pour out every abundant blessing: "no good thing does He withhold from those whose walk is blameless." not because we deserve it. not because we get a pat on the back for being 'holy' and 'consecrated'. but because we know that we are without, and recognizing that and choosing to not turn to worldly things to fill our longings but choosing to call out to Him in our nothingness, His heart is moved and overwhelmed with love and desire to fill us with every good and perfect gift. I'll never understand the way He sees me. I'll never get it. but I don't have to. I just get to sit and soak in the wonder of it all! :)

I'm struck by the fact that I only have one life. one life here. one. not to live - but to give. because I give away my life to Him, and He just gives it right back, pressed down, shaken together and running over. we have but moments to give and see the glorious destiny He wants to give us in return -  live a life worthy of the calling...

yesterday broke my heart. when you have so little it's amazing what a bit of dream means to you. blessed are the poor in spirit... sing, oh barren woman, sing... blessed are the ones who love Me but have yet to see... their dreams fulfilled, their hopes redeemed, their precious faith revealed... yesterday broke my heart - but today, I find that I am breathing... and more. :) laughing, singing, being to the glory of His name... we have so little of His heart, so little of His mind, and in that every moment is precious beyond our understanding. so blessed are we, who have so little of our dreams in our hands, so little of our hopes within our grasp - for so great is our God that we may see Him working miracles among us... strumming a haunting tune that captivates the barren woman's voice... tickling the taut ribs of orphans long neglected... taking my weeping soul and binding it up in perfect love... to hear Him say, over the accusations from inside my head, He's happy that I took the chance... it wasn't the end result that mattered at all. just the courage... yesterday broke my heart, because I thought I had failed, because the thought that comes in varying shades of circumstance once again taunted me - I am not enough, I will always be passed over, passed by... my focus was completely askew :) I never take chances, I never let my heart be broken. in so many ways, I fear I am too frail to handle heartache, so I don't let myself that close to it. I never want something so badly that I've hemmed myself in and cannot wiggle free. I thought I failed because of my broken heart. when, couldn't it be that that was the success He was after...? :) funny that a loving God could celebrate the broken heart. or is it so strange at all? I am once again where my heart would not let me go because it feared the unknown, and yet I stand undefeated, laughing at the days to come. and what of them? shouldn't I be asking what of today? what have I made of today? instead of what I will make of all my tomorrows... because I am blessed today to have so little and want so much - because in that waits the mystery of the glory of God to be revealed...

happy night.

slow blooming rose. I take my time in everything I do. people usually get annoyed by it. :) that's okay, I think I'll still keep it that way. framing a life isn't something that happens in a day, and I've made my fair share of mistakes, so forgive my cautious nature - I've had to rebuild on more than one occasion. once, my roommate made a comment about her singleness, the whole "what's wrong with me spiel", and she said "you know, it's not like I've majorly screwed up my life" :) that made me laugh - and cry at the same time, because I have. big major huge mistakes. and I know it takes someone who's experienced grace in the very intimate and real ways that I have to understand the me before I was, well, myself. :) and though I find that many people are experienced in doctrine and sympathies, few are experienced in the kind of reckless, bold and offensive grace that I've been given. and that's okay too, though I would like that to change. not so I'd be understood, but because everyone should see the aftermath of their own collision with raw grace. I think that'd be cool. way more than cool - I think that'd be revival... :)

grace has taken it's time with me. it's own devastatingly sweet time. unfolding all of my mistakes and mending them and making them into something lovely. and whenever I feel life is passing me by because I don't have a cookie-cutter story, because I'm so slow at everything and I'm just hoping that I haven't missed the boat with all my detours, I remember it's not about catching a sleek steamer that's gonna whisk me away to wonderful, but about trusting that the grace that began a good work in me is faithful to complete it. and I'd rather be the turtle than the hare.

pale summer shoes. my hopeful folk/americana band name - it's all in the works. and by works, I mean that I have a bunch of lovely and eager gals who would absolutely love to do something like that, but we all have other things more pressing on our life-agendas right now, and none of us play any of our designated instruments yet... :) ah, well, a girl can dream. I recently decided that this is one of my dreams, to be a folk singer, not a famous one, but kind of like an Eva Cassidy, or Patty Griffin, solid fan base, captivating talent, but somehow they slip through the cracks of mainstream and even pop indie crowds. that would be amazing. well, at least now it would be, seeing as I have no family of my own or notable attachments. I imagine it would be quite the adventure.

but it's just one of the adventures I dream of - others include owning a bakery/flower shop called Buns 'N Roses, haha, or teaching theology classes to bright college students, not necessarily about theology at all, but about the wonder and beauty that is Jesus... another is bartending somewhere in Northern Ireland :) and yet another is writing children's books. or maybe adult books with a child-like faith ;).

whatever the dream, I have put it off in the last year or so, tucking it in some forgotten sock drawer of my soul. a catch-all for the things I'd rather not hope for because it hurts too much. granted, some of the things in that drawer do need to be tossed out, but others just need a little fresh air... amazingly enough, stuffing faith and hope into this dark chest actually makes room for love... and I've learned that dreams aren't some cruel trick of a gem just beyond my reach, but exercises of hope, the stretching of faith, because when we trust God to the end, I'll bet we'll find we need as broad of a heart as we can get to hold all the dreams He'll fulfill in us...